I hate calories. Those little jerks have ruined my life. Every time I go out to eat they are right there on the menu. O, you want that delicious piece of pizza? Well too bad because its 600 calories and that would take you three hours of Wii Fit Super Hula Hooping to burn off. You best go with a salad. But wait, don’t even think about putting delicious bleu cheese dressing on it. That makes it just as fattening as the pizza. You should just eat it dry, with a glass of water, and then go kill yourself.
I never use to have to worry about calories. I used to be a skinny little bitch. And sure, I caused drama and was super stressed all the time and cared alot less about being a decent human being…but dang I looked good! Now that I’m all married and happy with a great desk job and nothing to worry about, I’m plumping up like a turkey near Thanksgiving. And if I hope to maintain even the slightest bit of my rockin pre marriage bod, I’m gonna have to started counting those stupid calories.
You know what I hate most about calories? Well I’ll tell you. They are EVERYWHERE. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich today and looked at the calorie count for jelly. Do you know how many calories are in a serving of jelly? FIFTY! 5-0. Jelly isn’t even a food, its a condiment and its flooded with an insane amount of calories. Ridiculous.
You know what else I hate about calories? They are insanely hard to burn off. The other day I was doing aerobics on my Wii Fit for half an hour. And I’m not saying I was logged onto the Wii Fit for half an hour but only worked out for 15 minutes…NO…I was running and hula hooping and kickboxing for a full 30 minutes. And that idiotic little balance board pops up and says “Congratulations! You just worked off 100 calories…thats a whole granola bar.” ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME, BALANCE BOARD? THAT’S IT? I can barely breathe, my legs are about to fall off and I can’t lift my arms, and you’re telling me that all I burned off was a snack? A pizza crust has more than 100 calories. This is stupid.
So you know what? I’m just going to forget about calories. I’m gonna eat five servings of fruits and vegetables, drink 8 glasses of water and do some form of enjoyable excercise every day. I’ll also try to cut back on dairy, not because of the calories but because its bad for my cholesterol and my friends are really getting tired of smelling my dairy toots.
SO SUCK IT CALORIES! I’M OVER YOU!