As of right now, I know 7 new babies that will enter (or just entered) the world in 2012. SEVEN! And that’s only close friends and family. If we start adding acquaintances and people that I’m guessing will get pregnant in the next three months, that number jumps to about 9-10. This tells me two things. One, I better just go ahead and get that Target credit card because I’m going to need 10% off the bajillion baby things I will buy in 2012. Second, it tells me that the questions of “when are YOU going to have a baby” will not only continue, but probably intensify. I’m already sick of telling people that we are waiting until Joe finishes school and establishes himself in a career. That’s true, but its so boring. So, I’ve come up with some new ones, all very legitimate and well thought out. So the next time you ask “are you having kids soon?” I’ll say “no, because…”
- I hate math. Have you ever noticed how much counting goes into a pregnancy? When you’re trying to get pregnant you have to do period math, then when you see that plus sign you have to count to find the date of conception, then your counting weeks and weight, then days, then minutes in between contractions…baaaaaahhhhh!!!! I’ve such limited space in the left side of my brain, and right now its busy counting down the days until The Voice comes back and baseball season starts. There is no room for baby math right now.
- I’m afraid of cannibals. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but my thighs are pretty hefty and I’ve got a bit of a ghetto booty (and no, I’m not just saying that to be cool, people from the actual ghetto have confirmed this). With pregnancy, those areas expand. What if I meet a cannibal on the street one day, and he follows me home and kills me, knowing that my thighs alone will feed his family for a whole week? No thank you! I’m not getting pregnant until I’m 100% sure not a single cannibal lives within a 100 mile radius of me.
- I haven’t finished my book bucket list. At the end of 2009 I made a list of 50 books I wanted to read before I had kids. As of January 2012, I have ready exactly 13. That’s not even half. At this rate, I can’t start having kids until 2018. Don’t blame me, blame 2009 Brianna. That chick was way to ambitious.
- I routinely forget to feed my dog. This one is pretty self-explanatory. Clearly I need a few more years in the practice of caring for other living things. I know what your thinking “What about Sydney? You take care of her so well!” Ya well, I taught that child how to feed herself a long time ago to avoid this very issue. If I forget, she just feeds herself. Problem solved.
- I need a chauffeur. Just today we were discussing the logistics of pregnant women driving. How do they fit that stomach behind the wheel? I personally, drive like a granny and practically hug the steering wheel at all times. By the time I get to my second trimester I won’t be able to fit and, therefore, will need a to me and put “chauffeur” in the memo.
- I’m too busy being an aunt. How can I continue to dote on and spoil my biological and honorary nieces and nephews if I have kids of my own? They are so precious and I’m so looking forward to meeting more of them throughout the year. Yes yes, it would be super fun for us all to be pregnant together but don’t worry, I’ll catch you all on round 2 or 3 or 5. But for right now, I’m perfectly happy holding your little ones while you worry about baby numbers and cannibal attacks 🙂
Of course, if the good Lord/ the dummies working at the condom factory decide to bless us with a child before we think we are ready, we’ll still be super excited and throw all the excuses out the window. But until then, I stand firm in my belief that I NEED a chauffeur!
P.S. A HUGE GIANT Congrats to all the new and repeat mommas of 2012. I’m so excited for all you ladies and so blessed to be part of your journey. I hope my cynicism and ridiculously random sense of humor brings laughter and not offense. You know that’s just how I roll.