Tag Archives: funny blogs

Dendrophobia

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So here’s something you didn’t know about me. I have Dendrophobia*. If you know what that is you are a genius and should be doing something better with your time than reading my ridiculous blog. If you don’t know what that means, you’re normal, unlike me who is crazy and afraid of trees. That’s right people, Dendrophobia is the fear of trees and yours truly is afflicted by it.

It all started about a year ago when I was dumb enough to watch the video about the tree man. I will not post the video here as looking at again will give me a panic attack, but if you look it up on YouTube I’m sure you’ll find it. Its this video about a guy who has these gnarly warts all over his body that make his limbs look like tree trunks. It is one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen in my life. Just thinking about it is making me queasy. After watching that video, I started to get a little uneasy around trees. Not all trees, just the ones that had tons of knots and warts on their trunks. Thankfully, those trees aren’t very common and if I happened to come across one, I just turned away and was fine.

About six months later, just as I was starting to forget about tree man, I had an incredibly strange dream. I dreamt that a palm tree was growing out of the top of my head. Its roots where literally growing all across my scalp and into my brain. At first I was happy with the tree growing there, but eventually it got really big and started causing some problems. So I had my mom pull it out. She grabbed the trunk and jostled it back and forth until the entire tree, roots and all, RIPPED out of my head. It was a bloody, leafy, rooty mess. I woke up the next morning all tensed up. I checked my head at least 20 times that day, hoping I wouldn’t feel roots underneath my scalp.

At first I just thought it was a freaky dream, but a few days later when I was walking my dog I realized I might actually have some sort of problem. We passed by a tree that had a lot of roots sticking up out of the ground. They were all gnarled and veiny and reminded me of the brain roots from my dream. My body clenched, my breathing quickened and I simultaneously felt the need to run away and the need to inspect the roots. It was really really really strange. For the next couple months I couldn’t walk past a single tree root without thinking about my dream, and then the tree man, and feeling all tense and weird.

Fast forward to Halloween 2011. I haven’t thought about my weird tree thing in a while and I’m super stoked about my broccoli costume. I head over to a Halloween party where we watch a bunch of corny Halloween movies, including one about trolls (I think it was called Troll Hunter but I’m not sure). Now, in this movie, poorly costumed troll people bite regular humans. Those humans start to spit up green liquid and then TREES GROW OUT OF THEIR FINGERS. Are you freaking kidding me? Somebody actually made a movie about my ridiculous dream and that poor warty tree man? This movie, as corny as it was, was literally my worst nightmare. I couldn’t even watch it. When I explained to my friends why the tree freaked me out, they “kindly” pointed out to me that my costume looked a lot like a tree coming out of my head. Fantastic, now not only do I have to scrub my eyeballs, I have to burn my Halloween costume.

So there you go. Its November and I’m still super uneasy around trees. To clarify, its not the trunks or the leaves that bother me, its the roots. I just can’t get the image of trees digging their roots into people and then growing out of them. That is so so so so so GROSS! *shiverstimesONEMILLION*

dendrophobia

I'll never get this close to a tree AGAIN

* This is an actual disease that people really suffer from. I have not been formerly diagnosed with it, nor is it a phobia that has a significant impact on my life like it does for some people. I’m not on medication, but the site of tree roots bothers me more than it should which is why I’m going to make a bold claim here and say I have dendrophobia. If you have a debilitating case of Dendrophobia, please don’t think I’m making light of your situation. I can only imagine how sucky it would be to be even more afraid of trees than I already am.

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Happy Birthday To My Little Bro

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Today is my little brother’s 22nd birthday. Its very strange to say that my little brother is 22. Am I really old enough to have a little brother that is 22? Yes, I am old enough to have a 22 year old brother. Do you think I’ve said “22” and “brother” enough in the first 4 sentences of this blog? Well in case I didn’t, and in case you missed it, this blog is dedicate to my little brother who turns 22 today.

I admire my brother for many reasons. For one thing, he is super relational and cares a lot about people. You can always count on him to help you move, go out to a bar, host a game night or help you solve a conflict. If you need help, he is always willing to drop everything and be supportive. He’s also a good time guy, always cracking jokes and brightening people’s day. If you have a super boring obligatory event to go to, bring my brother. He finds ways to make EVERYTHING entertaining.

My brother is also super talented. He’s an excellent musician, specifically, an excellent drummer. He is super laid back, normally, but when it comes to music he is all passion. He practices for hours and when he plays he gets super intense (they had to build a wall around him at church because he played too hard and too loud.) I’m so proud of him for using his musical talents to serve God on the praise and worship team at church. He’s been doing it for years and, even when I gave it up because of crazy church politics, he stuck it out and just kept drumming as best he could for Jesus.

Not only can he play instruments, he’s really good at drawing as well. When we were kids we had big dreams of creating a children’s book together…me writing and him illustrating. We haven’t talked about that in a while but, honestly, I really hope we make that dream come true some day.

Lastly, I admire the fact that my brother grew up inbetween two sisters and survived! He is very different from me and our younger sister…much more laid back and much more rebelous. He always got into way more trouble than we did growing up, partly because he did more bad things, and partly because he got caught more than we did 🙂  He’s had to listen to us whine and cry about boys, bra sizes, fights with best friends, etc. Plus, our little sister is currently dating one of his really good friends, and he has handled that suprisingly well (although not without a few sarcastic remarks and very strict ground rules, let me assure you). Honestly, we couldn’t have asked for a better brother.

So here’s to you, AJ. Hope 22 is beyond what you ever imagined or hoped. Love you!

P.S. My brother, despite being quite the ladies man, is currently single. If your interested, let me know and I’ll hook it up *wink*

Except…Maybe…You’re A Creep

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why are vans so creepy?

Dear Man-

Thank you for honking and whistling at me as I walked my dog. I was feeling pretty ugly that morning and your vote of confidence really made my day. I felt like a whole new woman, beautiful and confident. If it wasn’t for you I would have sat on my ass eating potato chips all day. Now I’m going to go put on a sun dress and have a night on the town.

Except…

The reason I felt ugly that morning is because I was ugly. I was sporting my lime green work out pants and an old t-shirt. Not the kind of old t-shirt that is super tight and has strategically placed holes in the boob area, but the kind that is gigantic and has dirt stains from cleaning the tub. Plus, I hadn’t taken a shower yet so my face and my hair were super greastastic. So you couldn’t have possibly been honking to tell me I was beautiful. Even my husband, who has been known to make a pass at me in many less than beautiful states, wasn’t barking up my tree that morning. You must have been saying something else.

Maybe…

You were encouraging me to embrace the day, to face life head on and tackle its challenges with grace, dignity and smarts. I’ve been feeling kind of crappy at work lately, unmotivated, inadequate, slightly bored, maybe you sensed that and wanted to assure me “hey, its okay. Your smart and creative. You’re great at your job, you’re just in a bit of a slump. Enjoy this weekend, do something for yourself and on Monday, walk into that office and make some changes!”

Except…

You don’t know me from Adam (or Eve). You have no idea what I do for a living. In fact, you would probably never guess that I work in marketing because, as demonstrated by my lime green pants, I have no fashion sense and that usually comes with the marketing territory. Plus, I was talking to my dog, which means I might be certifiably crazy and unable to hold a job. So…why are you honking at me?

Maybe…

Maybe its because you are a pervert. Your in your mid 40s and drive a mini van, which means you either have a family that you should be toting around or you are a molestor who lures people into his van. Either way, your luring eyes are really creeping me out. Nothing about my body language or dress is asking for your attention, so please keep it to yourself. Or better yet, give it to your wife and kids. They miss you. And I have a very interesting conversation to continue with my dog. Drive along please, drive along.

P.S. That picture was taken from FreeDigitalPhotos.net. But its only free to people who post a credit, so here’s my credit.

P.P.S. I was recently informed by someone very important to me (my boss) that this post makes it seem like I am unhappy in the workplace. I am not. My job is wonderful. But like many wonderful things that are a part of everyday life, it has its less than wonderful moments and I dramatized those moments for the purpose of making this blog hi-larious

I’m So Excited For…

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  • The season premier of BONES!!! This is in my top five favorite shows of all times and I was so sad when I learned the season premiere would be delayed by two months, especailly with the crazy cliff hanger from last season. But, the time has finally come and I am like a kid in the candy shop.
  • Thanksgiving. I don’t care that stores already have Christmas decorations up.  IT’S THANKSGIVING TIME DARN IT! Celebrate the pilgrims in November and Christmas in December.
  • Family pictures. This weekend we are getting family pictures taken by an old high school friend of mine. We haven’t had pictures taken since the wedding so it will be nice to get some new shots done. Plus, we’ll have something nice for the Christmas card.
  • Our new car. I’m not sure what we are getting, or exactly when we are getting it, but we are getting one soon and I can’t wait. I spend so much time in the car, I need some new surroundings.
  • Blogging. I set a goal in the middle of October to blog every day, and so far I’ve done a prtetty good job of keeping to that goal. I’ve missed a day here or there, but I’ve kept to this goal much more than previous blogging goals. Plus, I’ve expanded my blogging habits a bit and did a guest blog post a few weeks ago. I’m excited about the opportunities that are going to come with my dedication to blogging.
  • Ghiradelli Hot Chocolate. Its delicious. Go to Sprouts and get some right now!

Well that’s what I’m excited about. What are you looking forward to this week?

Your Facebook Posts are Bugging Me

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Let me start this post with a warning and a disclaimer. Warning: your Facebook posts will be made fun of in this blog post. Disclaimer: 99% of the time, I don’t think your a horrible person for posting horrible crap and I won’t unfriend you for your Facebook fopaux. I understand that mistakes happen, in fact, I’ve been guilty of publishing some of these horrific posts myself. This post is meant to be a good natured jest at the ridiculous crap that nobody ever cares about and yet we still continuously post. And now, without further ado, here are the Facebook posts that are bugging me.

    1. Photos of sleeping people. Sleeping is one of the most boring activities ever. Why in the world do you think its entertaining to take a picture of that? Not only that, but do you really think that the sleeper is going to appreciate an unconscious photo of them being posted all over the internet? Probably not.
    2. Quoting depressing song lyrics without telling me they are lyrics. It really bugs me when people post depressing song lyrics without signaling that these are in fact just song lyrics. It worries me. I think this person is uber depressed and suicidal. I want to call them up, or go over to their house and make sure there are no knives around. Its super easy to make those little music note signs, so the next time you want to quote Adam’s Song, those music notes would be super helpful. Thanks.
    3. Negative Nancy’s. Im sorry your boss is a jerk, you got a flat tire and you walked around all day with a hole in the seat of your pants. But is complaining about it on Facebook really going to help? No. It will just bring everyone down. Although, if you post a picture of the hole in your pants, then we’ll all get a good laugh out of it and excuse your negativity.
    4. Intimate details about your pregnancy and other medical issues. Life is full of gross medical things- injuries, morning sickness, explosive diarrhea, blood, cuts, gas, etc. When I’m hanging out with close friends, I’m all for discussing these things. I have a ton of pregnant friends and friends with tiny babies, and I’m always hearing about their weird pains and sicknesses. And it really doesn’t bother me (I am the girl that did two entire blog posts about her ulcers…clearly I’m not the queen of discretion). HOWEVER, I really really really don’t need to hear about these things on Facebook. And I especially do not need to see pictures. THAT IS GROSS! If we aren’t good enough friends for you to tell me in real life, I don’t want to know.
    5. Posts about you hanging out with another friend when you just cancelled on me OR posts about you hanging out with mutual friends when you did not invite me to hang out with said friends. So, here’s the thing. I try really hard not to be a petty person and I try not to take it personally when a friend cancels on me. I understand, things happen. And sometimes, you’d rather hang out with someone else than me. That’s fine too. But don’t broadcast it in my face (book). Seriously, just go this one time without posting your whereabouts and tagging everyone your with. I’d rather just believe your lie that you’re ill. BTW does this happen to anyone else or am I the only super lame looser that gets bailed on/not invited to things?
    6. Ignorant, hateful and/or unsupportive political statements. So I’ve written this section twice, and every time it comes off as preachy, which is really hypocritical because the thing I dislike most about political posts is how preachy they are. I’m all for bringing awareness to political issues, asking questions, sharing information…but do we really need to see a picture of a donkey’s ass that you’ve labeled “Obama’s Face”? No, we don’t. We all dislike the government, merely stating that point is irritating.
    7. Pictures of food. I understand the feeling of accomplishment when you successfully cook a meal, especially if, like me, cooking a successful meal is a rare occurrence for you. I also understand the desire to share that success with everyone. But don’t. The only people who are really impressed are the people who get to eat it. So unless you’re planning on cooking enough for all 200 of your Facebook friends, don’t post it. The one exception to this rule is if you post a the recipe to accompany the picture. Then you are giving us helpful information and allowing us to participate in your joyous cooking success. Without the recipe you are just bragging, and making us hungry. That’s rude.
    8. For the love of everything decent in life, DO NOT POST SPOILERS! Many people, myself included, don’t have cable. We watch our shows online or on DVD. So now, I didn’t see that episode of How I Met Your Mother but thanks for telling me that Marshall’s dad dies, you JERK! O and being vague doesn’t help either. Saying things like “Omg, somebody on the Bones cast is going to have a baby” is still considered a spoiler alert. Keep the t.v. talk to private conversations with friends you know have watched the show.
    9. Vaguebooking. I previously wrote a blog about this and if you haven’t read it, you should. Along the same lines are passive aggressive posts geared towards a specific person. Example, “so pissed that somebody isn’t home for dinner.” Do you think he is going to read that and say “O dang, I gotta get home. My poor lady has cooked a delicious meal for me and I’m disappointing her. I better pick up some flowers on the way.” No. He is either going to see it and get mad that you are broadcasting your relationship issues to the world OR and this is far more likely, he isn’t going to see the post at all. So now your still without a dinner date, and we all know you’re in a crappy relationship. Your definitely worse off than when you started.

There is so much more, but I’ll save it for another post. In the meantime, tell me what kinds of Facebook posts are bugging you!