So here’s something you didn’t know about me. I have Dendrophobia*. If you know what that is you are a genius and should be doing something better with your time than reading my ridiculous blog. If you don’t know what that means, you’re normal, unlike me who is crazy and afraid of trees. That’s right people, Dendrophobia is the fear of trees and yours truly is afflicted by it.
It all started about a year ago when I was dumb enough to watch the video about the tree man. I will not post the video here as looking at again will give me a panic attack, but if you look it up on YouTube I’m sure you’ll find it. Its this video about a guy who has these gnarly warts all over his body that make his limbs look like tree trunks. It is one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen in my life. Just thinking about it is making me queasy. After watching that video, I started to get a little uneasy around trees. Not all trees, just the ones that had tons of knots and warts on their trunks. Thankfully, those trees aren’t very common and if I happened to come across one, I just turned away and was fine.
About six months later, just as I was starting to forget about tree man, I had an incredibly strange dream. I dreamt that a palm tree was growing out of the top of my head. Its roots where literally growing all across my scalp and into my brain. At first I was happy with the tree growing there, but eventually it got really big and started causing some problems. So I had my mom pull it out. She grabbed the trunk and jostled it back and forth until the entire tree, roots and all, RIPPED out of my head. It was a bloody, leafy, rooty mess. I woke up the next morning all tensed up. I checked my head at least 20 times that day, hoping I wouldn’t feel roots underneath my scalp.
At first I just thought it was a freaky dream, but a few days later when I was walking my dog I realized I might actually have some sort of problem. We passed by a tree that had a lot of roots sticking up out of the ground. They were all gnarled and veiny and reminded me of the brain roots from my dream. My body clenched, my breathing quickened and I simultaneously felt the need to run away and the need to inspect the roots. It was really really really strange. For the next couple months I couldn’t walk past a single tree root without thinking about my dream, and then the tree man, and feeling all tense and weird.
Fast forward to Halloween 2011. I haven’t thought about my weird tree thing in a while and I’m super stoked about my broccoli costume. I head over to a Halloween party where we watch a bunch of corny Halloween movies, including one about trolls (I think it was called Troll Hunter but I’m not sure). Now, in this movie, poorly costumed troll people bite regular humans. Those humans start to spit up green liquid and then TREES GROW OUT OF THEIR FINGERS. Are you freaking kidding me? Somebody actually made a movie about my ridiculous dream and that poor warty tree man? This movie, as corny as it was, was literally my worst nightmare. I couldn’t even watch it. When I explained to my friends why the tree freaked me out, they “kindly” pointed out to me that my costume looked a lot like a tree coming out of my head. Fantastic, now not only do I have to scrub my eyeballs, I have to burn my Halloween costume.
So there you go. Its November and I’m still super uneasy around trees. To clarify, its not the trunks or the leaves that bother me, its the roots. I just can’t get the image of trees digging their roots into people and then growing out of them. That is so so so so so GROSS! *shiverstimesONEMILLION*
* This is an actual disease that people really suffer from. I have not been formerly diagnosed with it, nor is it a phobia that has a significant impact on my life like it does for some people. I’m not on medication, but the site of tree roots bothers me more than it should which is why I’m going to make a bold claim here and say I have dendrophobia. If you have a debilitating case of Dendrophobia, please don’t think I’m making light of your situation. I can only imagine how sucky it would be to be even more afraid of trees than I already am.