First time mom’s are annoying. They panic about everything, they post a million photos of their babies on Facebook, and caring for their child has sucked out all their brain cells so the only things they are capable of thinking or talking about are kid related. I’ve tried very hard over the past 5 weeks to not be an annoying first time mom. I haven’t always been successful (as my Facebook friends can attest too) but I’ve put forth a gallant effort. But here’s the thing. The holidays are coming up and I can feel the first time mom craziness getting stronger. I have this crazy urge to teach my infant son how to bake sugar cookies he isn’t even old enough to eat yet. I want to carve a giant pumpkin, stick my kid in it, and set him on the porch to amuse trick or treaters. I want to spend $100 to take my baby to Disneyland for Christmas time, even though he’ll spend the entire day nursing or sleeping and caring for him means I won’t get to go on any rides. It’s safe to say that as I gear up to celebrate my first holiday season with a child, I will not be able to control the crazy. Here are some of the fun things you can expect to see/hear about in the upcoming months.
Photos of AJ dressed as a pumpkin sitting in a pumpkin patch
I use the term “sitting” loosely because he won’t be old enough to sit on his own when we visit pumpkin patches (yes we will visit multiple patches). But you can bet your booty I’ll find a way to prop him up amongst the squash and take a gazillion photos with annoying captions like ” my little pumpkin in the pumpkin patch.”
Dressing AJ up in multiple Halloween costumes
Joe and I just have too many good ideas. The baby from The Hangover. Baby in a straight jacket onesie. The previously mentioned pumpkin outfit. We might drag this out and make dressing up a week long event.
Taking AJ trick or treating
Haven’t decided if we will go trick or treating or go trunk or treating at the church carnival, but either way I’m using my baby’s cuteness to score some free candy.
Taking photos of AJ next to the turkey and laughing about their closeness in size
I hate it when people post pictures of food on Facebook, but I will break my own rules about food posts to show you that my baby is roughly the size of a turkey. I’ll probably throw in a joke about them looking similar because both are bald. And I will expect you to like the photo because babies and turkeys are comedy gold. I mean, who doesn’t want to think about babies as they stuff their faces with meat carcass? You’re welcome.
Buying Christmas presents
The kid will be 4 months old at Christmas. I could wrap up the toys he already has and he wouldn’t know the difference. Heck, I could get him nothing and he wouldn’t care. If I were a truly rational parent, I would get him nothing and invest all his gift money into a college fund. But I’ve already started scoping out toys that are appropriate to give to a 4 month old. And its very possible I will go Black Friday shopping with my sister in law to get said toys. First time momming at its finest.
Volunteering my child to play Jesus in the live Nativity at church
Yes, I am conceited enough to think my child can lay still in a manger for hours whilst portraying the holy and perfect Son of God. You disagree? Shut up, I’ll cut you.
This is particularly ridiculous for me because Joe and I don’t plan on telling AJ that Santa is real. So why waste time and energy taking him to visit Santa? One of the rules of being first time mom is that you must take advantage of as many photo opportunities as possible. This is especially true during the holidays. Besides, the Santa at Disney’s Grand Californian is so real looking, its possible that after one picture our whole family may start believing in the magic that is Santa.
I’m sure I’ll think of plenty of other ridiculous things to do with my baby to celebrate the holidays. Feel free to poke fun at me, but don’t be too harsh. Because while I’m aware that I’m being crazy, the truth of the matter is you only get to celebrate your first time mom holidays once, and I want to make the most of it 🙂